Pep Rally Today

I have so much on my mind I can't sort it out. First of all, I wanted to tell him that I think I'm falling for him but if I did that I'd be doing something I would never do. I don't take other females' men. I wouldn't ever try to do that but it's been eating me up inside trying to deny my feelings for him. I was going to say something today but it's a good thing it was a busy day. I just saw a picture of her and she is absolutely gorgeous. In the picture he has his arm around her and I almost cried because I was thinking about the ones we took together before. I still love him. I didn't stop loving him but I would deny it.

He tells me that they fight a lot and she is always with another guy so he thinks she's cheating on him but I can't say much. I just try to help as much as I can. Encourage him to talk to her about it and work things out. It's hard because all I really want to say is "Shut up about that bitch, can't you see it's killing me? I still fucking love you." I won't though. Never again will I tell him those words even if I get a chance. I hurt him and I know it. It hurt me just as much but it was my decision so it was my fault in the end.

It's hard seeing him in the halls and wherever. I miss getting kisses from him between classes and going out after school or seeing him in the mornings. I say I see him as a best friend whenever somebody asks me if I like him. We still mess around in the halls and stuff but everytime we do all I can ever think about it "Damn, he's great. Why the hell did I do that?" and it hurts even more. Again, I brought it upon myself. We all have to live with our own decisions. I'm in the middle of that lesson. So far, I'd probably be getting an F.

I just lost my train of thought. The Fray - How To Save A Life is on my playlist right now. I listen to it and believe it's about suicide. At least, that's what it sounds like to me. Keenan suggests it's a broken hearted love song but I think that's only part of the story. Of course, we both agree that all songs have different messages for different people. They aren't always intended to have one meaning. "Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up all night had I known how to save a life."

My uncle Tony worries me this past year. I know he's been in tight spots in his life a lot recently, just as he's been all of his life, but these day's his depression seems to be worse. I couldn't imagine losing him. Although I don't get to see him very often he's one of the most important people in my life and just thinking about losing him makes me want to cry. Tears are beginning to build up in my eyes this very moment.

I suppose I'll just keep going with this whole song thing. Now Everclear - Everything I Do (I Do It For You) is playing. This is my aunt's and uncle's song. They're also two huge influences on my life. I remember when my aunt Tracy first told me this is their song. We were in the car and it was a track playing on one of my CDs. She said that the song she wanted to be theirs was something like I'm your pet and you can be my pet or something like that and that it was really weird so my uncle Brian told her not that one haha. They're cute. Quite an unlikely couple, I would think, but they love each other and that's all that matters. "Oh you can't tell me it's not worth trying for. I can't help it. There's nothing I want more. Yeah I would fight for you. I'd lie for you. Worth the while for you. Yeah, I'd die for you. You know it's true. Everything I do I do it for you." That's exactly the type of husband uncle Brian is for Aunt Tracy.

Hm. Stephanie just called me. I missed the call so I called back but before I checked I was hoping it'd be Luis because I told him to call me tonight; I needed to talk to him about something. Well, actually, I did hope it was him and I hoped it wasn't at the same time. I don't know what to do right now. She's beautiful. I can't compete even if I tried.

Goo Goo Dolls - Slide is on now. I actually don't listen to this song too much but I like it a lot. If only I could have a boyfriend that would tell me "I'd do anything you ever dreamed to be complete" and "What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."

Right now, I was tricked into watching Kayla. Damn. I'm too emotional and unstable today to watch a child. Actually, most of the time I'm emotional and unstable but today seems to be one of the worst days. I mean, I'm typing everything that comes to my mind right now while I'm supposed to be watching my younger sister. This is bad. Hopefully she doesn't get into something she shouldn't.

Okay, I lost my trail of thought again. I had to get up to see what she was doing and she was trying to sharpen a pencil because she saw Emily use it. Anyways, I don't know why I'm still writing but I don't seem to want to stop. I've nothing better to do at this very moment anyways. Kayla walked herself upstairs and I'm trying to sort things out. Maybe if somebody else reads this they can give me advice or let me know my priorities or something. Even though I didn't list any major personal problems I still am trying to calm myself down.

Oh yeah, I checked online and these are my grades:
History - A | Spanish - A | Choir - A | Geometry - A | English - A | JROTC - A | Chemistry - B
I'm quite satisfied with them for now. Hopefully that B will average to an A by the time the semester ends.

Chuckie Akenz & Kangel - Love Hurts. "Love hurts so we all cry. Tears dropping from my eyes. The pain I can't explain. All I know is love is pain." I can't disagree for the most part. I suppose though, when I see older couples that are still in love with each other that love isn't just pain but there are always the good times you have to think about too. Before, I would only remember the bad times with Luis. Now, I just see him as one of the best boyfriends I've had. "We shoulda took the hint that this shit won't be working out. I mean what have we been thinkin all those times we were together? Did you really think that we'd be in love forget. At this very age we shouldn't be playin' this game." I have the same view in some ways. I know anyone I'm with now won't be the one I'm with 20 years from now; if I'm here 20 years from now. I hope to not live long but something is keeping me going for now. I can't explain what but anyways, teenage love is bull.

My phone is a piece of shit. It keeps turning off on my randomly, freezes a lot, and the touch screen doesn't always work. Never buy the glyde. It's a piece of shit.

Today was the Marine Corps Birthday ceremony even though it's two days late I'd like to say Happy birthday to the Corps.

It was also the pep rally today. We had to wear our PT uniform because we don't have our cheerleading outfits yet. I messed up a couple times but it was so simple. I feel like they kept changing it in the middle. We didn't practice it at all though. We were told what to do about 2 minutes before we went into the auditorium. I think we were supposed to clap four times and say "MMA" three times? Maybe two. I couldn't remember so I'd stop and then realize "Oh shit. I had to do it again." or "Oh shit. I'm supposed to say the other part." If I think too much it'll be wrong.

"HEY FRESHMEN LET'S HEAR YOU SAY 'M-M-A!' 'M-M-A!' 'M-M-A!'" [x3]
The freshies didn't say it at all so it was like "Geez are you guys slow or something?"
"HEY SOPHOMORES LET'S HEAR YOU SAY 'M-M-A!' 'M-M-A!' 'M-M-A!'" [x3]
The sophomores yelled "MMA" back but I think probably because they actually paid attention to the first part. That's good. I felt less stupid doing that.

That 70s Show is on! I'm going to go watch it. Haha, I got Brandon hooked on it. It's probably not the best show for him to watch but whatever it's funny haha.